Yikes! What happened? (Conflict Resolution)

August 14th, 2009

The ability to pause, to allow that needed time to obtain a moment’s neutrality, to let that filter work that is between the rightous anger and our tongue, is a key to handling our emotions. Most of us did not have a coach in childhood to teach us simple techniques. Instead, we were told that anger was ‘bad’, so we stuffed it. The obvious problem with this is that it had to come out somewhere, and most of that time was inappropriate – exploding over minor things or soothing ourselve with food, and later with alcohol or drugs to make us feel better. (the following is from Your Conflict, Your Resolution – A Practical Guide which available on my website.)

PAUSE AND REGROUP – TOOL 

“Pausing to regroup is one of the hardest things to do because we want instant gratification.”

We live in a fast-food, fast-lane, what’s-the-bottom-line society. Pausing to regroup is one of the hardest things to do because we’re used to instant gratification. However, to have better experiences at work or home, it’s vital to pause, think and then act, before reacting.

Taking a deep breath and pausing takes practice. In a short while you will see the rewards because the outcomes of your actions will be different. This will be apparent when conflict does occur, just by putting the issue aside for a while.

This practice allows time to calm down and get a neutral perspective before approaching someone. You will be clearer in your communication because you can stop long enough to find out what’s really going on between you.

Pausing will also help you get certain on what you value in a situation, and what you don’t really care about. Pick your battles carefully. We already know the result of not doing so: losing sought after opportunities or damaging a relationship, learning their value only after someone else appreciated it.

For example, have you ever taken someone for granted and suddenly they were out of your life? The next thing you heard was that they were someone else’s happy employee or friend. Maybe all it took was someone pausing long enough to see something positive in this person, and it made him/her excel in the effort to live up to that faith.

If you are presently in a conflict because someone feels that you are taking him/her for granted, answer the following for more insight:

When he is speaking, do you pause before you respond? Or, do you knee-jerk react because “you know where this is going” and charge ahead? Do you take time to notice if he has grown, or are you seeing him as he was in the past? Is there more to him than you are willing to see?

For ourselves, letting others see our quirks is our mirror of what is okay and what is not. Once the other person decides that a behavior is unacceptable, there are at least two possibilities open to us. We can agree to change, try to work it out, or if one of us is unwilling, we can walk away. We just have to make a clear the choice.

Having these differences doesn’t mean that we have to cut off communication because strong emotions are expressed. All we have to do is pause before we speak. This break gives us the time to regroup and settle down emotionally, before we burn our bridges with inappropriate responses.

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It’s Never too late!

August 14th, 2009

It’s Never too late….

It’s never too late to do those things that you think were lost opportunities.

For example, I didn’t start doing Conflict Resolutions workshops and classes until 1999 when I was fifty-four years old. I didn’t write my first book until I was fifty five and my second until I was sixty. I went through the SFSU Coaching program last year at sixty-three. I’m back in school as of Monday to take math classes on the road to my BA. It’s never too late.

It’s never too late to make your dreams come true! (From “Jump Start Your Creative Process” on website.)

“For example, take a few minutes to do this exercise. Close your eyes and picture yourself on a path that represents your life. Keep the path simple, like a red carpet. Visualize turning around and looking back. What regrets are still nagging you from your past? Could have been a singer, dancer, journalist, teacher, or writer? Leaving your energy in the past changes exactly nothing—it merely depletes you.

Now, call all of the energy that is stuck in these ‘missed’ opportunities back to you into present-time. Visualize it as gold energy filling you up. Periodically doing this exercise can change your outlook of the past by looking to the future to fulfill similar dreams. You can still accomplish them.

You have to begin somewhere. You may not be able to start out as a fulltime journalist, but there is nothing stopping you from submitting stories or articles about your art or travels to magazines and neighborhood newspapers. This experience can be fulfilling while opening up other opportunities. Or, maybe you could start in another capacity, like a part-time editing job for a local magazine to introduce you to that world.

Or, do you still have a realistic idea, one that you have not taken concrete steps on because you didn’t know where to start? What would the next steps be to explore this idea? Put this list in plain sight and whenever you have a new idea to further this goal, jot it down. This becomes your agenda. This list of specific steps and times sets you up to succeed.

You don’t have to know about everything or do it all yourself. You can hire a specialist or start by partnering with a friend. Your collaboration may be the catalyst that person needs to embark on his or her own dream.

Besides, it’s not always just what you know, as whom you know ‒ your network. You might be talking out your idea to someone, and they say they know someone who would be interested. Or, you find that they did something similar and have a road map of experiences that they are willing to share with you. You won’t have to reinvent the wheel.

Your enthusiasm will also attract other’s support. I once told a friend about finishing my first book and she asked when it would be published. I said, “I’m not sure yet. It costs a bit and I’m working on it.” “I can help you there,” she replied, and handed me a check for two thousand dollars!

I later called an accountant about getting my seminar and coaching business started. She had heard about my books from a mutual friend, and was excited for me. She offered the startup information in exchange for coaching sessions. Again, my enthusiasm attracted the support I needed. Don’t be afraid to barter!

So, remember to set out with the purpose in mind that you are going to enjoy what you do throughout the process, not just the results. It doesn’t matter if someone else thinks you succeeded – if you do it, you succeeded. Their opinion of your work is just that, an opinion. It’s your opinion that will help or hinder you. Your faith and actions are what will alleviate regret.”

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Why choose a Coach?

July 20th, 2009

Per the dictionary, procrastination means to postpone, drag our feet, delay, put on ice or the back burner. We then slip into apathy due to non-action that leads to further frustration because our dreams are once again on hold. As a coach, I help you work past PROCRASTINATION with suggested tools and accountability.

For example, you feel inspired about an idea, then excitement, but you procrastinate and before you know it you have given up. Or, you do it halfheartedly and find that it is not fulfilling because of your reluctance to follow through, so you do less than your best. If this sounds familiar and you don’t make a conscious effort to change it, you will once again end up frustrated, with your goals put off until next year, or perhaps the next?

Overall, it is when you give in to this pattern of dragging your feet that you slip into apathy because of non-action. There is nothing to stop the fall further into disappointment. In contrast, my experience is that when I just take a small step in the direction of what I want to accomplish, I will feel motivated. I also find that consciously adjusting my attitude moves me out of this resistant state. Once there, I can do a little more, the building enthusiasm propelling me further. This is where working with a coach benefits you to take those important intital steps to accomplish your goal. 

http://www.creativeresolutionstoday.com

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Conflict Resolution – everyday decisions

July 17th, 2009

Today we will look at stress reduction as a tool for setting up your day. The following is from my book Your Conflict, Your Resolution – A Practical Guide. 

STRESS REDUCTION IN 90 DAYS – TOOL

    The purpose of this exercise is similar to turning on a light in a dark room. When the light is out we see shapes and our imagination takes off. The vague forms hint of fears, or the onset of panic making us feel uncomfortable in our own skin. Our emotions become the bogeyman.

    Resisting feeling these emotions usually causes stress build up. However, when we allow ourselves to feel our emotions and see what’s behind them, we turn the light on. Everything is back to being doable. We can sort out what is vague, let go of the imagined to see what is real and put a name to it. With this clarity we can safely take any necessary action. Sometimes, recognition is all that’s needed.

    You will find that using this tool allows you to separate your emotions from your thoughts about your emotions: your thoughts happen in your mind, your emotions in your body. Once identified, it’s easier to acknowledge what brings them up. This is the difference between letting your emotions run and having them run you.

    To begin, try this stress reduction plan for one month. The idea is to sit with your emotions for five minutes each morning and make a commitment to do so again at day’s end; times will vary, but be as consistent as possible.

    Five minutes is a small thing to give yourself, but with consistency, it can change your world. Also, five minutes is easy to commit to and will not become a chore. When you are committed to change, thirty days, one day at a time, is easily doable.

    You can start right now. Close your eyes and sit quietly to see what emotions come up. In this exercise, feeling content is as valid as feeling worried; just sit with whatever happens.

    Starting out, you may find that if you spend longer than five minutes, you end up getting absorbed by an emotion. As soon as you realize that you are thinking “great” thoughts, stop, bring yourself back and remember your intention. Refer back to the Grounding Cord and use that visualization tool to drop any concerns down the chute.

    You may suddenly have to make a call, adjust a cushion or get a drink of water. These were all unnecessary before you sat down and are not so urgent that you can’t wait a few minutes to attend to them. This old pattern of resistance and distraction will only delay the process. Acknowledge the resistance by giving it a color, seeing if it is located in a particular part of your body or just generalized, and let it drain down your grounding cord.

    When you do feel emotional turmoil in body, don’t look for the “why” or attach reasons to the physical sensations just yet. With practice, the answers will show up soon enough. Emotions can be likened to children who want attention. Just sit with them; they won’t bite. As they settle down, you will begin to notice the benefits of identifying your emotions. For example:

  • You begin to sort and express emotions in a constructive way, enabling you to use or defuse them. This allows for clear decision making, instead of rash behavior.
  • You will be able to acknowledge those feelings that leave you in self-judgment, such as critical, paranoid, fearful, or needy. Everyone has those feelings at some time.
  • You can allow emotions to come up freely instead of stuffing them, giving you the freedom to let go. You realize that you control how long you want to feel/examine them.
  • Feelings of free-floating anxiety, impending doom, and frustration diminish because you see them for what they are: unfounded worry with no base in reality.
  • You recognize the value of emotions as signals; the more you practice, the more easily you identify the cause behind them, allowing for appropriate action.
  • You recognize that it is okay to feel the way you do. After all, they are emotions, not enemies.
  • You begin to identify their variety and subtlety, separating the ones that feel similar, like fear and excitement or grief from depression. And, you will be able to distinguish between remorse, shame, blame, dread or feeling trapped that before appeared as general unhappiness.
  • You will know yourself better, a necessary step for building trust in your decisions.
  • You will be able to take responsibility for how you feel. No one else can make you happy, sad, or angry. Likewise, you can’t take care of someone else’s emotions.
  • You will realize that relationships can be turned around when you know what you’re experiencing, and can then articulate that to the other person.
  • You can accept your emotions more readily because they become familiar and comfortable, with less feelings of overwhelm and hysteria.

    I recently had a clear example of feeling sudden emotion, identifying it and letting go. I had arrived early at the airport for a flight, and was sitting engrossed in a book. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, I felt dread in the pit of my stomach. I closed my eyes and sat with these feelings, and immediately became aware of the why. A plane had landed and was taxiing to the terminal, causing the building to tremble.

    Earthquake! was what my body had signaled to me. This would have been a legitimate message at home in California where tremor equates to earthquake. However, I was sitting in an airport in Minnesota. All I had to do was to identify and let go. I soothed my body and emotions by noting that I was safe; it was just a plane rumbling past. This all happened within seconds. The experience would have been unpleasantly different if I had not been able to quickly process my body’s reaction. I might have thought I was experiencing a health problem or had a panic attack.

This excerpt is from book available at http://www.creativeresolutionstoday.com.

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Why Choose a Coach?

July 17th, 2009

Why choose a coach?

Today we will begin to look at the benefits of working with a coach. My coaching practice, Creative Life Coaching, is about changing your current process of creating to one that works more successfully. Learning about your process will allow you to define and then develop a solid, comprehensive model or prototype to apply to future goals. It will also allow for internal resolution as the inevitable ‘blocks’ arise.

Since you have a unique manner of creating ideas to goals, you can benefit from being consciously aware of how you routinely behave in any given situation. These insights are invaluable. In our coaching sessions, we will discover why some creations are easy for you, and why others are hit and miss. We will also look at behaviors that dominate whether you try at all, for example, the ‘I can’t because” syndrome, indecision and fear of failure, in order to move past them.

To offset any nagging thoughts about the effort you will need to put in to make progress, start viewing this pursuit as an adventure, in order to savor the steps. Whenever you feel like giving up, remind yourself of this new self-talk of, “savoring the steps in this adventure.” If not now, when?

Introduction (from Jump Start Your Creative Process available at www.creativeresolutionstoday.com )

Creativity is a natural energy waiting to be used. It isn’t inherited‒it just is. It doesn’t run out‒you can’t over use it. It’s not the inspiration that is sometimes there and sometimes not. It is a living force waiting to be expressed. What you do with this energy is your creative process. You can see how it would benefit to have a clearer understanding, since it impacts all areas of daily life.

We are constantly creating and will continue as long as we live. The question is, are you living the dreams and the quality of life that you desire, or not? Maybe it’s time to awaken the passion for setting those dreams into motion.

The overall purpose of this book is to help jump start your creative process by discovering your most efficient working model. This clarity is necessary to successfully manifest your ideas from daydream to reality in the most efficient way. Use of this knowledge can also allay the need for instant gratification that may stop you from enjoying your process, or from following through to a satisfactory end.

Your mind will open to the prospect of actually doing what you have always wanted, but were held back by fears and indecision. This shift begins by letting go of limiting beliefs through specific, achievable action. It continues naturally as you make simple changes using basic tools, such as focused intent and self-validation.

You will look at how your mental and emotional process affects, and often predicts, goal outcomes. Many common, fear-based blocks are covered, such as the resistance that fosters procrastination. You will also find practical answers to self-limiting patterns and behaviors that can undermine confidence, such as habitual daydreaming, and negative self-talk. A 30-day activity calendar is included to help discover what specifically drives or stalls your progress using new insights and first-hand experience. Think of this as a beneficial, eye-opening experiment.

Throughout this journey, you will transform your view of yourself by becoming effective in more areas of your life using doable, clear-cut plans. This success occurs as you become more adept at problem solving and by increasing openness to trying new and different alternatives to attain goals. These changes can be life altering.

The more you explore the concept of creativity as a practical, user friendly energy, the more comfortable you become creating from inspiration, to idea, to completed goals. As a result, you will be pleasantly surprised to discover what your particular talents are in respect to the ‘art’ of living.

Fifteen detailed, hands-on projects are also illustrated to begin using your creative energy in fun ways. The bottom line is to experiment in order to discover what works best for you: your optimum creative process model.

I have concluded with interviews from artists who share how creativity works in their daily lives. I hope you find this information useful in becoming aware of your creative process while doing some of the suggested activities and projects. Enjoy your process!

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Conflict Resolution – everyday decisions

July 14th, 2009

What is the impact of conflict resolution on a daily basis? First of all, conflict can be a clash between ideas and resolution can be simple adjustments in perspective. We constantly make decisions from the moment we open our eyes in the morning to the time we go to bed at night. Most of these decisions seem to occur without much thought and have minimal consequence – but not all. Our perspective/attitude of choice generally determines our actions during each day. The conflict happens when we want something, but our attitude gets in the way. For example, we are looking at our workday with the attitude of “I may as well get this over with so I can get on with my life.” Now how uninspiring is that? Our hope for a day of wonder is now at odds with our unconscious mindset – we are setting ourselves up for an obligatory day rather than a day of satisfaction.

How can we change this? Here are five simple tools to start your day with a positive outlook:

  1. Make the time to write an affirmation each morning, 20 times for 30 days. Affirmations work whether you believe them or not as long as you are consistent in doing them. For example, if you wake up feeling like you’d rather not, try “I feel great! I look forward to my day!” or, “I am enthusiastic about all aspects of my life!” or, “I am a joyous person!” Sounds too simple to work, yet it actually does. What happens is that you as spirit, with that great computer between your ears, will start finding ways to feel great about you and your day. Or, if you feel apathetic about your job, try “I am highly organized and self-motivated!” If you are feeling like a dolt in conversation or in social situations, try “I have a quick wit and a pleasing sense of humor!” Or, “I am highly pleased with myself in the presence of other people!” So, can you invest in you with fifteen minutes each morning or evening? If not now, when?

Check in on July 16 for the second easy to use tool. Also, check out my books at www.creativeresolutionstoday.com/Books.

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